Breastfeeding Part 2

As I sit here writing this, I realize that my inability to breastfeed is probably 50% of the reason I developed postpartum anxiety to the extent that I did (uh, coherent?). Breastfeeding is one of those things that I thought I would have no trouble doing. I knew how to change a diaper, bathe a newborn, get a baby to sleep and swaddle. I took birth classes and felt prepared to bring a baby into this world the old fashioned way. I felt confident that I would be able to have my baby sleeping through the night by 12 weeks (she does!). So never in my wildest dreams did I think that I wouldn't be able to produce enough milk to nourish my offspring.

The issue I have with the world is this: there are not enough resources for moms who have trouble BFing or who choose not to. If you google blogs about babies and feeding them 90% are about breastfeeding and how glorious and wonderful it is. You have to really know how to trick the google gods to get a result for a formula feeding mom. Or wait, is it just that formula feeding moms don't put it out there that the formula feed? The best, and possibly only, resource I found was Fearless Formula Feeder. She provides practical knowledge about feeding your baby formula and support for those who choose/have to.

Speaking with moms on message boards and moms in real life I learned quickly that there is a feeling of shame associated with formula feeding for many moms. The problem here is that formula feeding is way more common than LLLI wants you to believe, and just like BFing moms need support, so too do FFing moms. How do you know when to increase ounces? What are the signs to look for for a formula intolerance? When do you know to try a new nipple flow? Should you hold your baby back or more upright? Unless you are going to call your pediatrician every time you have a question, it would be helpful to have more resources for FFing moms. I know the BFing community would be bullshit about this, because then it might seem like we are encouraging FFing feeding (and who cares if we do?!), but it's really unfair that FFing moms are so often left in a dark place, alone, feeling ashamed. 

No, I never in my wildest dreams thought my first baby would be exclusively on formula by 10 weeks, but you know what, she was. And she is really fucking cute, healthy and will grow up to be whatever she wants to be because what she eats today won't matter on her college application. What will matter is that she had parents who loved her, encouraged her to be curious about the world and learn, and who supported her in achieving her dreams. Who cares what she ate as an infant? And who's business is it of anyone's to judge me or her for that? I wish there were more resources for moms like me, because even if I know there is no shame, I still feel like I have to explain why I am formula feeding every time someone asks. Ugh.

Breastfeeding

"Are you going to breastfeed?" Yes

This is a question that I was asked at every single prenatal appointment. Every. Single. One. Of course I was going to! I've read the studies and jumped on message boards. I know that this shit is the best, and my kid, she deserves the best. I even watched YouTube videos on proper latching, read books about what to eat, drink and wear in order to make the best milk for my baby. I was fucking prepared.

The day my baby was born, was a wonderful most spectacular day. Within half an hour of being born she wiggled her little body to my boob and latched on. Yes! I thought, this is it. I have a perfect baby with a perfect latch and la-de-fucking-da, we are winning at this. Even my midwife told me she was doing it right. The lactation consultants visited us twice in the hospital and you know what they said? You are doing a great job!

And then the pediatrician told me my baby wasn't gaining any weight and in fact had lost almost 12% of her birth weight (10% is a preferred max). Huh? But she's latching! She's doing it right! What do you mean she is losing weight? "How do you feel about supplementing?" she asked me, all of 7 days after having a baby. I hadn't slept. I wasn't sure where I was. "Huh. Oh, that's fine." No it wasn't. My heart said no, my brain even said no, give me a couple more days! but my mouth said OK. Ok.

I didn't see a lactation consultant for 3 days. I was still nursing first and then giving a bottle, but I hadn't started pumping yet because I didn't know I needed to. No one told me, I was ill informed and mostly just tired. When I finally saw the lactation consultant she told my my baby was "not moving any milk" and that my milk wasn't in. Huh? Ok ok. To the OB/GYN I went, where I found out that I had postpartum hypertension which, in some cases, can delay the onset of milk production. I learned that this is fact, because for 3 weeks I had blood work 2 times a week to check my liver enzymes and on the 3rd week, 2nd test my liver was normal, and the next day I had milk!

At this point it was not enough to feed my baby exclusively, but it was enough that I felt good about pumping and giving it to her in a bottle, and nursing her in the middle of the night when I was toofuckingtired to pump.

And then a couple of weeks passed and I realized that I was never leaving my house. Or eating. Or sleeping. Or talking to adults. I was pumping, feeding my baby, showering, pumping, baby feeding, pumping, feed baby, etc. It went on and on and on like this. I was pumping 8-12 times a day and making, max, 6 ounces a day. And feeding a baby a bottle. And washing 8 bottles a day. And trying to get said baby to sleep anywhere but ON me BECAUSE HOW DO YOU PUMP WHILE HOLDING A BABY?! It was alienating, tiring, and just depressing. Finally, I thought I was ready to stop pumping. But I found out that I wasn't. Not mentally. My brain shattered and my boobs ached. My heart broke for my sweet little baby who would get no more breast milk. Was she going to have some terrible disease as a result of MY inability to be a PROPER mother?! Would she be obese? Develop childhood lymphoma?! WHAT had I done to my baby??? I bet Kate Middleton hasn't had any issues with HER perfect royal boobs.

Determined, I thought well... I won't pump but I will nurse her and then give her formula. It worked for all of a week before she caught on to the fact that the bottle was easier to eat from and whenever I offered a breast she pulled away and cried. Oh no, oh no. Are those tears or breast milk covering my shirt, I can't tell anymore? Here, have a bottle little girl. Please, just stop crying. What is wrong with me? Maybe I have insufficient glandular tissue? Yes, that must be it because then it isn't really my fault that I'm a failure, right? RIGHT? Maybe my prolactin levels are terrible. My thyroid must be fucked. DO I HAVE INVERTED NIPPLES?!

In fact, none of that was the case. Yes, I had postpartum hypertension which delayed my milk. I asked my OB what happened in the olden days when that happened and he said "well... they got a wet nurse, or gave the baby animal milk or... in some cases the baby would suffer from malnutrition and die." In the scheme of things, formula ain't half bad to have a healthy baby who got SOME breast milk during her first 2 months.

Do I feel good about not being able to exclusively breast feed my baby? Not particularly. But I would rather have a healthy, happy, well fed baby and be a happy, healthy, well fed mama and well sometimes that comes in different packaging then we expected... for me and my baby, that comes in a package from the store and once a day comes from the boob. For now I still let her comfort nurse. She doesn't get enough breast milk that the medication I am now on will effect her, but while the medication is doing its job these next couple of weeks I still need her to comfort nurse for my sanity. I think she knows, because now that I've stopped trying to force it multiple times a day, she will nurse once a day and every once in awhile will smile up at me with that big goofy grin that says "you're a good mama."