I'd like to say I never felt like Humpty Dumpty, but that would be a lie. Over the past 10 weeks there have been many times when I felt like I had finally pulled myself together and would be ok and then some asshole would come along and knocked me off my wall again.
My real break came one day when the world was just out to get me. The baby was napping. The dog had to be at the groomers within half an hour. I had to go to the grocery store. Baby would need to eat when she woke up. Frantic I scooped the baby into her carseat, herded the dog into the car and bolted. Once we dropped the dog off that's when the baby started to fuss. Ok I'll stop by my parents on the way to the supermarket and feed the baby. 7 minutes later in their driveway the baby is screaming. Fuck fuck fuck. Make a bottle in the backseat. Oh shit. Where is the formula. My mind reels as I dump my diaper bag out in my parents driveway, pushing my screaming child at my dad. TAKE HER!
My formula is on my kitchen table. I am reminded of my inability to perform a simple bodily function, since i cannot breastfeed my child. Tears run down my face as I drive away and I scream at myself WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?! I can't provide breastmilk OR remember her formula?!
I race to the gas station around the corner. No formula. Flying to CVS I finally get formula and am back within 20 minutes. My mom has a quiet baby. As soon as the pacifier comes out she wails. Here have a bottle. Shhhh baby. It's ok. I'm sorry baby.
After the grocery store I get home and call the dog. Oh no oh no. I left her outside and she must have ran away. Standing in our backyard I cry... I can't even take care of a dog anymore. It's not until I go to call my parents that I remember she is as the groomers.
This was the day I called my doctor.
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