Postpartum OCD

When I first sought help for my postpartum mood disorders we all thought it was just anxiety. Even my doctor thought that. She started me on a drug that I had taken before for anxiety however she started me on a lower dose. Over the 10 days that I took it I would start each day hopeful that it would be better than the day before but by bedtime it was evident that I was significantly worse with each passing day. 

The red flag for my doctor, which led her to the additional diagnosis of postpartum OCD, were the terrible horrible thoughts I was having. Every day I was struck by the fear that my baby and/or I would meet our demise in some freakshow fashion. One night I lay awake in bed fearful that someone was going to break into my baby's room, kidnap her and chop her into a million pieces. I know. Totally fucked. I was hesitant to even share that because I don't want to be judged but the truth is, this is real and maybe there are other women out there wondering "what the hell is wrong with me that I am thinking these terrible things."

The difference between postpartum OCD and postpartum psychosis, in regards to thinking these terrible things, is that a woman with PP OCD is totally repulsed by these thoughts and would not act on them. In my case they result in paralysis and an inability to function normally, including not being able to leave the house or leave the baby in anyone else's care. I was terrified that if I told my doctor that social services would show up and take my baby (I've been assured they won't). 

I've been doing sone reading and learned that postpartum OCD is often misdiagnosed and misunderstood. Woman who experience it don't know why, and many, like me, don't feel at all depressed or tearful so it can cause confusion since everyone talks about postpartum depression but no one talks about these other postpartum mood disorders. The lesson here is that if you or a friend is experiencing this, know that it is a valid concern and no one is going to judge you for it. The most important thing during the postpartum period is a healthy and happy mama, because without that you can't have a healthy and happy baby, or marriage, or life.

Finally I think tomorrow will be a better day than today...